on the run

Always on the run? Don’t forget to breathe, don’t forget to focus. And always keep in mind… home is where those people are.

I’ve been calling myself a gypsy for a long time because I used to live from the stuff I had in my backpack. Not because I was some hitchhiker nor any kind of modern adventurer. Simply because I couldn’t say ’no‘ to any of my family members.

My mum used to ask me straight away: ‚when will you pay me another visit?‘

My dad would say stuff like: ‚I took some pictures during my last walk…‘ or ‚I bought a new movie…‘

My granny would ask me to help her in the garden or to clean something or to bake a cake (because every day is a good day for cake… I guess). And my ganddad would just call me an estray with this particular kind of sadness in his eyes.

My brother just noticed that I was there when I was there. Maybe he would ask me for how long I would stay.

I never wanted to chose between mum and dad, here and there. I just couldn’t. Even though I was 14 when my parents divorced (in Germany that’s the age at which you can/ could legally decide with whom you want to live in the event of a parting of the parents). First I didn’t think about it but I was never quite sure weather I could ever stop moving once I started. So I didn’t. I kept going for six years. Until I left for University.

Most of the time I felt self-pity finding myself in such a tricky situation. I wanted to blame somebody but there wasn’t anyone but me. I didn’t want to hate my parents, because I don’t. I love them unconditionally. And I felt like neither of them could live without me around… Every time I told outsiders about my decision they would say stuff like: ‚I couldn’t do that.‘ And ‚This must be annoying.‘ … Yeah, I guess it kind of was. And I felt a lot of pain during that time but I never showed. I felt like complaining would make things even more difficult and I didn’t want to listen to halfhearted advice. Also I’m kind of stubborn.

I always wanted to settle down, keep my stuff in drawers and have one bed only. I have all of these things now and I feel grounded. I feel good. It’s just what I needed to miss my family in a healthy kind of way. I once said I want to have a fixed place I can call home. But now I know home is not a place. It’s a feeling. And it’s always conected to wonderful people you wouldn’t want to miss in your life.

 

~Anne~

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